Friday, 5 April 2013

The Nairobian Chic

I must admit, Nairobi is blessed with some pretty ladies. Some are good, while some others… Well. In this exclusive post, you will be guided on how to date a lady from Nairobi.
1. Do not take her for walks next to shoe shops or shoe vendors. Nairobi chics are shoe junkies. Just look at them, they all have huge hand-bags. Besides using these bags as ‘baby stealing accesories’ (Yes, they do this in hospitals), Nairobi chics also carry shoes in there.

I was once surprised to witness a lady get gumboots, a shower cap and an umbrella(apparently this one was 10,000 bob) a parachute and protection goggles when it was raining heavily. Okay, that’s besides the point.
Don’t walk past people who sell shoes unless you want to be asked “Just wait for a minute as I try these on…. Do they look good?” Then proceeding to buy none of them after she wasted an hour trying all of them out.

2. When you go for a date with a Nairobi chic, be prepared for two extremes.
A) she either eats too much Or B) she either eats too little
On a date, be prepared to judge her habits within the first five minutes so that you can know how to behave. If she eats too much, suddenly become full and offer her your food.
If she eats too little, celebrate deep inside but do not look excited on the outside. Proceed to help her to finish her meal using the excuse “Some Kenyans are dying of hunger”. If it is a classy resturant, ask them to pack for you the food.

3. Nairobi women all claim to be independent but can’t fix a bulb. Nairobi chics are obsessed with the ‘strong’ or ‘I am an African woman’ image… Deal with it. Funny enough, after projecting this image they seem to be very emotionally vulnerable.

4. The average Nairobi chic will do second-hand shopping when she is single but when she hooks up with you she only shops at Nakumatt Junction or The Village Market. Okay, I said most. There are those high status chics that actually shop for new clothes without breaking a sweat, but they are not the majority. She used to go to ‘e-NGARA-sha’ but is now obsessed with flaunting an Enkarasha bag.

5. Nairobi women have a false perception of foreign men. Whether its Europeans, West Africans or Americans. I happen to have many friends from all over the world and the only major difference is the accent or just the cultures. But at the end of the day they are just men.
It still blows my mind when I hang out with one of my American friends who is just a broke college student coming for a visit and Nairobi chics will assume that he is some rich prince whose dad owns America. The chics proceed to ignore me because ‘I am a broke Kenyan dude’ while they take advantage of my broke friends body. This is a timeless story that will probably happen again this weekend.

6. The Nairobi woman also has an emergency food supply and a bottle of water in her hand bag. To think of it, the only thing you can’t find in there is a mobile toilet. Entrepreneurs, you now have a new idea. I will demand 30% of your profits after you make money from this idea.
You always see a Nairobi chic chewing gum, crisps, tic-tac… Ground nuts, githeri…. To think of it, few of them ever eat chapatis… Lol. So guys, when you take her for a picnic, don’t worry. You will be sorted by her hand bag supply. You can survive a drought with a Nairobi chic.

7. A Nairobi chick will proudly say that she can’t get in to a Vitz yet she takes a matatu to work. Yep, you guessed it… She is rich but she won’t spend her money to get a car because the matatu conductor is ‘enter’taining… If you know what I mean.

8. The Nairobi chic is not the same one on her avi or photos. Thank photoshop for this. Those pictures of her doing the ‘Duck face’ at skylux have been altered by those booty underwears, tights and some excessive make up.

9. The average Nairobi chic has 3 pairs of ‘Condom shoes’. To think of it, the Nairobi chic also wears a pair of heels when she knows that she will be walking around the city the whole day then comes complaining “oh my feet hurt” while leaning on your shoulder for support.

10. The average Nairobi chic has poor fashion sense. Yes, a Nairobi chic thinks that tights are trousers, wears winter boots when its sunny and may even go as far as re-cycling her friends weave which is smelly.
Okay ladies, I am sorry. I just wrote this to entertain.  Nairobi women are beautiful.

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